Putting Words Down by mf

I was raped this year

I don’t speak about it a lot because i was raped 2 years ago.

That first situation changed my life, it began my advocacy and it brought me to where i am today.

This second rape though, when it happened, the first thing i did was laugh.

I was in pure disbelief.

Physically in pain but emotionally i was numb.

I felt like i deserved it, “that’s why it keeps happening right? You keep meeting guys on bumble and they keep raping you. Don’t you see what you need to stop??”

This is what i would constantly tell myself.

It made me feel so stupid.

I felt like i was in a cycle of meeting guys and getting raped.

I felt like this will never end.

Then i felt like maybe i was meant to be raped.

Lately I’ve been understanding that it wasn’t my fault.

But I still feel really shitty.

I’ve gone from feeling shitty for putting myself in this situation to feeling shitty that somebody would violate me.

My abuser lives 3 doors down from my best friend. I’m still unsure of what i want to do.

But one day, i will muster the courage to walk up to him and say

“how dare you? how dare you destroy a part of me!? how dare you betray my trust? how dare you hurt my heart like this.”

right now, i can’t even fathom facing him.

but i guess for now writing will suffice.